We have all grown up with our parents asking us to “Say Cheese” for the camera. I guess it should come as no surprise that most of us are doing the same exact thing with our own children. But when it comes to professional photography, the everyday approach simply doesn’t cut it.

In this post I will go over WHY that phrase doesn’t actually accomplish anything useful and WHAT to do instead.

1. A cheesy smile simply looks forced

There are some children that learn to smile on command and have a really silly-looking fake smile as a result. I’m talking about the squinty eyes, bared teeth, and strained mouth (in various combinations). Somehow they think that the face they are making looks good - it doesn’t. They think they’re going to make you happy - they won’t. And it makes everyone a little frustrated in the end.

In reality, there’s really no way to avoid the learned “cheesy smile” behavior because even my children, who I’ve never told to “Say Cheese!” picked it up from preschool and well-meaning grandparents. I can tell right away when I get one of these staged photographs from Grandma. They smile to appease her. But you can tell right away just how fake those smiles are.

The truth is, no matter how much we want a magic phrase to magically conjure up perfect little smiles on our children’s faces, there’s no such thing. A fake smile (or a smile on command) will always look fake and as humans we are trained to spot the difference - something doesn’t quite look right, even if we can’t put our finger on it.

2. It’s discouraging for most kids

Nobody likes being bossed around. When you ask your children to “Say Cheese”, you are basically commanding them to smile. They might not want to smile, but they will feel obliged to do it because most children simply want to please and get approval from their parents (even if it might not seem like it day to day). And there’s really no good outcome. If you ask your child to smile and they do, the smile will look fake (see above), in which case you will not be all that satisfied with the resulting portraits. And if they refuse, that’s bad too, because now it’s a power struggle. In reality, there’s no need to even ask because…

3. Real smiles aren’t that elusive

Kids smile all the time. They laugh and play. And run around super happy and excited. They could have been crying a second ago, and now are laughing their little butts off. It’s not that hard to get a child to smile, for real, during a photo session. It does require some preparation, like making sure you don’t put so much emphasis on the experience so that they feel stressed out and feel self-conscious and scared. It requires you to be open to simply spending a few minutes playing, being with your child, and allowing them to explore on their own time frame. And it requires a photographer who isn’t going to push them, who knows that real smiles can take time, but are always worth the wait!

What to do instead

1. Let your child be themselves

A portrait session is a collaboration. Whether it’s your whole family being photographed or just your child, the best thing you can do is take a step back and allow things to unfold naturally. I am well versed in patience, but as a parent, you play a much more important role in your child’s world, so it’s equally more valuable for YOU to remain calm and open.

2. Go along with the mayhem

Things might get out of hand. Children might get rowdy or unruly. They might stop listening or refuse to do anything because they’re feeling uncharacteristically shy. All of that is totally normal! The main thing to remember is to allow a certain amount of misbehavior, because being silly and rebellious often results in a great mood with lots of giggles.

3. Let go of control and expectations

You might have wanted that perfect shot of your two boys together. You might have seen photographs of other children sitting still in front of the camera and decided that was exactly what you needed your boys to do for their portrait. The biggest disappointment during a photoshoot isn’t getting that perfect shot, it’s expecting to get it at all. Your children aren’t the same as other people’s children. Not even close! They are going to behave the way they choose to behave, no matter how much you might want reality to be different. And that perfect pose you had in your mind for them to replicate, might be the exact worst way for them to sit together.

Trust that we will get the perfect portrait for YOUR family. It probably won’t look like the perfect portrait for the family I photographed before you. Your children might do something completely different, or not. But the point is, we will end up with the exact photograph we are supposed to end up with. We will capture that precise moment that we are supposed to capture. And everyone will look exactly how they’re supposed to look. That is what makes photography so magical. We can freeze a fraction of a second and keep it with us forever!

I hope you found this post helpful in preparing for your own professional portrait session, or simply for taking your own family photos moving forward! Let me know what you think and if you have any tips that work well with your own children in the comments below!